Here's the rewrite. Thanks for your input. I'm glad Steve pointed out the inconsistency about the fence. I noticed that, too. I've also tightened up the meter.
Tom
Beast of Burden
I saw a donkey by a fence
Munching sprigs of brittle grass.
No equine splendor marked the frame
Of this lean, undistinguished ass.
Then the donkey looked at me
With wizened eyes of ancient birth
Revealing scenes of faithfulness
And hidden, unsuspected worth.
I saw him on salvation's path
Carrying humbly in his seat
A tired young mother full with child
Grown weary on her swollen feet.
It was he, not the stately horse
(When the world would no longer wait)
The Prince of Peace called upon
To bring redemption through the gate.
That meek procession saved my life
Two thousand vernal Passions hence.
I whispered "Thanks," into the ear
Of that donkey by the fence.
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4 comments:
Meant to post this reply a few days ago, had to re-do my passoword. I really like this poem and remember it from some years ago. Only comments are that the difference between "in the grass" and "by the fence" that is introduced in the final stanza doesn't hit me completely right. Granted, I'm not the poet geek that you guys are, but making these match would make it more effective for me.
Tom,
I think I like this poem the best of all the ones I've read from you. Maybe it's because I like donkeys, maybe it's because it reminds me of this: http://www.dur.ac.uk/martin.ward/gkc/books/donkey.html
I didn't have the same problem as rufus about grass/fence, but it is true that the first time you mention he's fenced in is the last stanza. Not as big an error as a Drapeauvian Sonnet...
Peace!
Oh yeah, and as far as the comment about someone being able to steal your work, it is published here with a date and time stamp. They can steal it, but it is recorded for all virtual posterity as having appeared here first.
Nice. It's good to see some poetry written with some form to it. You've probably heard of Dana Gioia?
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