It looks left nor right,
Observing not
That they observe,
Forging regardless
Of fathom.
Legend often spoken,
It draws trawlers
From anchor.
It owns not their tenors; their scrawling
Wakes wash too quickly. Only
Their nets seem
Impediments. Regal
It moves, impervious
To the grimy faces peering
From portholes. Its lidless eyes
Take in, yet alter not
Their gaze.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
3 comments:
The ship resonates beautifully with the classic imagery of the Church as the vessel carrying us over the waters of this dangerous life. It looks neither left nor right. If only our Bishops would do more of that in politics. The legend often spoken that draws trawlers is a fine expression for the evangelical dimension. I won't ruin your poem by further interpretation.
Now the poem qua poem. I am not sure of the metrical format which you are pursuing here. Do you begin with a trochaic start with a missing short syllable at the end?
You then pursue two long per line for three lines then the single long syllable "Of fathom". The single long syllable can express the unknown depths which are forged across safely in the Church's bosom. Nice touch.
The second sentence begins with three long, quickly through two to one.
Then the "It owns line" has four long.
Followed by "Wakes wash too quickly. Only" again four long with a spondaic effect in "wakes wash" which does have the slapping effect of a wave.
Perhaps the pattern would follow if Their scrawling was on the next line with wakes. Followed by wash too quickly.
Perhaps the wavy effect of the metrics is authoritatively intended to illustrate the ebbs and flows which this vessel must tread across even to the Cross itself? Perhaps with a more steady 3 beat, 2 beat, 2 beat, 2 beat, 1 beat it would have the desired wavy effect?
I valued greatly your criticism of my work and offer this as a friend who has received a good office and attempts to return the same.
May the remainder of Holy Week be filled with God's blessings to you and your lovely bride. Your fellow Kindling, Drogo.
This is wonderful - both the poem itself and Drogo's critique. So we've become a poet's forum. That's what I get for going to Ohio. Great stuff, Neodyd and Drogo.
Have a blessed Triduum, all, and an Easter worthy of the Gift that Christ has given us!
-Rufus
Thanks for the kind words, Rufus. A blessed Easter season to you.
Drogo, I'm in the process of digesting this meaty criticism. Thanks for the time and thought. My "Take 2" is in the works...
-NeoD
Post a Comment